This is the verse that came out of this chapter and sat with me for a while. It may just have been the jaundiced eye I have developed after sitting for the last month by my wife's hospital bed, watching and weeping with her as she suffered through her various afflictions. I have prayed and fasted and asked and begged for Christ's mercy to be shown to my wife, for miraculous healing a la v. 24, but all I get is what I now call The Great Silence. I no longer see Him.
At present I have no sense of God's closeness, no warm feelings, no sense of peace or understanding. Like the disciples, I feel that God is speaking to me "in a veiled language" [v. 25] that I can't penetrate, and I worry that I too will be "scattered" [v. 32]. Like the old 'Muddy' Water's song says, "the feeling is gone"; I don't sense His presence, so what do I cling to? (When I was a wise and all-knowing youth group leader, whenever someone told me that they did not feel close to God I would answer, "Well guess who moved?" Oh, Sage of sages tell us more! )
An archeology lecturer once said to me that, "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence!" So I know in my heart of hearts that He is there by my side; its just that I don't get it. Why The Great Silence? How do I find the lesson I am being taught?
So what I cling to now are the memories of His mercy in my past, in the example of those who suffer in the Persecuted Church, but mostly I cling to His Word: "...and then a short time later you will see Me again." [v.16b].
And I practice the words of Job - though He slay me yet will I trust Him.
And now for something completely different... While I was in the hospital gift shop today, I saw a poster that had a stereotypical picture of Jesus (you know the one: blond hair, blue eyes, chiseled features, clean robes) with the legend, "Jesus is coming!...so look busy!"
My initial reaction was mild anger at this parody; but then I thought, is that what we are doing in the (First World) church? Is that why the Word hasn't gone out, 'cause we fill our Christian experience with busy-ness? "Lord, Lord, in your Name we held lots of meetings, and organised a stack of programs!" Just a thought.
Shalom,
JB
4 comments:
Thank-you for your candid thoughts JB. As I read your words and felt your pain and read John 16 I felt that verse 20+ had some relevence.
"20 I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy."
The tough times end and the drought breaks but it is hard to endure until the reprieve comes. All I can offer is that I know that the Father is always within arms length. In the darkness I think that he is nearer, yet as the darkness makes it hard for us to see our own reflection in the mirror, so does it seem so much harder to see his love and compassion reaching for us. Pain and struggle seems to usher a deep sense of God's presence or sometimes a veil or chasm. I don't understand, but I have learnt that in life when we endure the tough stuff there is always a time of reprieve to follow - when you look back and say "I'm glad it's over, all is now okay". I learned this in a powerful way after months of rehabilitation following a car accident when I was 18, and it has been a real strength to me since.
JB, I join your prayers for your wife. I too pray for healing and reprieve. I pray that you get a fresh revelation of God's peace and mercy. Physically outstretch your arms and know that he is always within those bounds. Outstretch them as you embrace your wife and pray it over the both of you.
I am drawn to Daniel 3:19 and the recount of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, but especially v25:
25 He said, "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods."
He is with you.
John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Wow! Thankyou for your wise and honest words this morning Jim. I am praying for/with you. Thanks too for your comments and insights Garry. I don't have anything to add this morning except to repeat the words Garry has already quoted from verse 33: "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
Jim, your honest and open post... and Garry's reply.. which expresses so much of what I believe we all would want to say...
this put a spotlight on the isolation that is not rare in the Christian walk... we belong in a family, we rejoice in that belonging, but we often hesitate to burden our family with what we are carrying ourselves..
I personally find it easier to express myself via something like this BLOG (even though the written word carries many risks of being misread - the inflection and intent cannot always be conveyed in written words) than face to face!
When we communicate - generally we are all 'fine' even when we are not fine!
Yet this is how Jesus said we would show the world that we are His disciples - by the love we are seen to express (the FRUIT) for each other!
Am I alone in feeling that we have heaps to learn in this?
Hi Guys
Thanks for your words and thoughts, and the comfort they bring. It is good to be able to express myself to such a loving group of friends. Rosaleen, thanks very much for your 'phone call, it meant a lot.
In some ways I think that our poor Lord is on a hiding to nothing; when things are going well in our lives, we (OK, I) hardly acknowledge Him. But when the spaghetti hits the fan and things go bad, we whinge that He doesn't love us!
Garry, v22 does reassure me and resonates with me; and as my wife Helen said this morning, "It is times like these that we have to dig deeper."
Thanks again everyone.
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